Parish Initiates Ministry to Help Terminally Ill and Their Families

By Eileen Dugan
The Sooner Catholic

OKLAHOMA CITY — Christ the King Church has initiated a ministry to the terminally ill and their families.

Called Heart to Heart, the new ministry’s first meeting took place June 14, at Christ the King Catholic Church. Sixteen volunteers arrived for the two-hour training session.

Heart to Heart is the combined idea of Pam Cullen, who works in the Senior Adult Ministry program at Christ the King and parishioner Val Ross, a hospice worker. The new service will help Christ the King “families facing terminal illness or the sudden death of a loved one,” Cullen said.

The group’s purpose is to “minister to a family with encouragement and love from diagnosis through the first year after death.”  To teach the volunteers how to do this, Mary Diane Steltenkamp, Parish Nurse Coordinator at Catholic Charities, presented information on “How to Become a Healing Presence”.

Steltenkamp recognizes that it is difficult to know what to say to the homebound or terminally ill.

“The reality is not what you say; it’s your presence that makes a difference. It’s not a matter of learning techniques; it’s developing who you already are,” she said.

“It is important to notice, to pay attention,” Steltenkamp said. “If we don’t notice what we see everyday, we will not notice what someone is trying to tell us; we won’t notice their stories.” She paraphrased Socrates when she said, “A life not reflected on is not worth living.”

Steltenkamp emphasized the difference between healing and curing.

 “Working with the terminally ill, we are not going to bring about a cure,” she said. “Curing is fixing. Healing means to be at peace, to be whole, to find strength, to find courage, to realize you’re still in community.

“Primarily in terminal illness and where there has been the greatest loss, healing, not curing, is what occurs. Healing is people finding peace, reconciling. The intent is to be present, to bring strength, and courage to the person you’re walking with,” she said.

“As you move toward becoming a healing presence, there’s only one place to begin—-with yourself.  The Church Fathers and Mothers teach us that we learn through prayer and quiet. Florence Nightingale [the founder of modern nursing] said, ‘Hustle and bustle is not conducive to healing.’”

The worst thing we can do when we visit someone is “to rush in and rush out,” she said. “Be at peace with yourself first; then, you can be at peace with others.

“Listening is the number one way to be a healing presence,” Steltenkamp said. “It far exceeds anything that comes in second.”

Steltenkamp mentioned three other ways to minister: holding a hand, words, and silence. Holding a hand is self explanatory. She said words could be anything, even, “I don’t know what to say to you right now”. And she warned the volunteers not to underestimate silence. “Silence is the highest tone to God,” she said. “Even musicians would say that.”

“Being a healing presence is most effective when you are least active. The more we try, the more we lose the presence of it. Someone put it this way, ‘Don’t just do something; stand there.’

“You can’t be a healing presence entirely on your own. You need support and nurture. You need to know yourself well enough to know what you need to stay healthy.”

Steltenkamp said that what one needs to stay healthy will differ for each person. For her, it is “a friend, a glass of white wine, and a walk around the lake,” she said.

Finally, Steltenkamp said that being a “healing presence is filled with sacredness. We are on holy ground when we minister to others.”

She ended her portion of the program by saying again, “It’s not what you say; it’s being present to the people you are ministering to.”

Steltenkamp’s presentation was followed by a power-point program by Val Ross. Ross employed teaching methods like “role playing” to teach the volunteers how to deal with the difficult circumstances that will occur as they carry out their challenging ministry.

He began by sharing with the volunteers the ministry’s mission statement. It reads, “To strengthen ties to the parish family by offering prayers and hands-on assistance to those faced with end-of-life issues.”

“Because of the shortage of priests and the greater demand on their time, we as a congregation must do our part to help relieve some of those responsibilities,” Ross said.

He made clear to the audience that Heart to Heart is not hospice.

“Hospice is a state-regulated agency with licensed professionals who manage and treat the physical, spiritual, and emotional well being of the dying patient and their family,” he said.

“Heart to Heart is not patient care. Heart to Heart will nourish the parish family relationship. If hospice is needed, we can certainly provide those resources to the family,” Ross said.

To those volunteers who thought that they might not be qualified to do this sort of work, Ross responded, “If you have love, compassion, and, most of all, a devotion to Christ, you qualify.

“Communication skills are an important key to the success of this ministry,” Ross told the audience. “It takes practice, that’s why they call it a skill. Admit you don’t know what to say.”

“‘To be confident in the visiting ministry, you must begin with prayer, feed on information, and then act on faith,’” Ross said, quoting Katie Maxwell from her book Bedside Manners.

“If there is anything I have learned about myself, it is I am doomed to failure without the intervention of the Holy Spirit,” Ross said.

Ross ended his program with the powerful and poignant comments of terminally ill patients, themselves, in their last hours of life:

* Don’t expect to make things better. I just appreciate you’re being here.

* Don’t be hesitant or afraid to cry.

* If the patient wants to talk, don’t change the subject even if it makes you uncomfortable.

* Remember to touch. A hug, hand massage, or other caring gesture may express what you can’t put into words. Be careful...get permission.

* Encourage reminiscing to remind the patient of the value of his/her life. Using photos is a great idea.

Any parishioners from Christ the King who either desire help from this ministry or are interested in serving their community as Heart to Heart volunteers are encouraged to contact Pam Cullen at 842-1483.